This is a post in a collection of posts cataloging writing I did for Zam.com, a games site which later became ReadySet. I edited Zam.com from late 2015 to early 2018, and published this post on May 27, 2016. Zam.com is shutting down today and I wanted to republish my favorite writing from it, to preserve it.
This is one of the few pieces I was able to write for Zam.com which really expressed what I wanted to do with my time and energy while there. You’ll notice that whenever I wasn’t writing reviews or expo coverage, I was writing some pretty silly comedy stuff. This is the comedy piece I wrote for Zam which may have had the longest reach.
IN THE GAME: Everyone’s at critical health, but Zenyatta ults and the team pushes forward and wins the game
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: It’s high noon. Two die. Someone else who was previously damaged falls off a cliff
IN THE GAME: Reinhardt slowly and carefully leads a push that takes the control point ten seconds before timeout, allowing the team to go on and win the match
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: Justice rains from above, killing three, as usual
IN THE GAME: Lucio ults, allowing the team to survive a very serious attack. He finishes it off by right-clicking Genji off a cliff
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: My terrible brother, Brian, ults as D-va and kills three, in similar fashion to all the other times he has done this in other nearly-identical games
IN THE GAME: Hanzo gets 21 solo kills over the course of a match
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: My terrible brother, Brian, lobs grenades indiscriminately over a wall in the Temple of Anubis and kills four people completely randomly, with no skill or forethought
IN THE GAME: I buy my terrible brother, Brian, a copy of Overwatch, out of the goodness of my own heart
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: Brian rains justice from above, killing three, as usual
IN THE GAME: I graduate from high school with a 3.8 GPA while working 20 hours a week as an unpaid volunteer in a senior center, and also I am the chief librarian for the marching band
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: My terrible brother, Brian, scores multiple football touchdowns, and is beloved by our community
IN THE GAME: I attend college and get perfect grades and also start a charity where college students teach at-risk children to play musical instruments
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: After my terrible brother, Brian, is expelled from his college for dealing prescription laxatives, my father still loans him $5000 to start his own yard-work company, which fails within six months. After the business fails he forgives the loan and says it was a gift.
IN THE GAME: I start my own business and successfully employ five employees within a year and win the local newspaper’s Best Workplace award
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: My terrible brother Brian finally moves out of my parents’ house at age 33 and they throw him a party. At this party he becomes highly inebriated and vomits off the edge of a cliff, soaking three, as usual. But everyone only laughs
IN THE GAME: I get married to my partner of six years at a small but very elegant ceremony which we pay for ourselves
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: My terrible brother Brian gets married to Marcia, his terrible wife, but due to Brian’s recent new arrests for dealing prescription laxatives they cannot afford a wedding of any size, so a large number of my relatives band together to pay for the ceremony. At the reception my father calls Brian “my most precious son” and “the best son in the world” and Brian cries tears of gratitude and thanks the whole community for coming together to help him get married
IN THE GAME: My children are perfect and beautiful and very kind and love doing volunteer work and community service
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: Everyone remembers the time my terrible brother Brian barfed off a cliff at his moving-out party and got three hikers covered in vomit. They think it’s hilarious and treasure this memory
IN THE GAME: My son Harvey gets into Stanford and nobody attends the cookout we hold in celebration
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: My nephew, Dillon, the son of my terrible brother Brian, is arrested for dealing Viagra at his high school, and nevertheless my mother and father pay for his legal defense and call him a wonderful boy and hug him a lot and tell him not to let the world get him down
IN THE GAME: While playing as Genji, I successfully lead the entire enemy team away from the control point, allowing my team to get in and capture it. After I die I return as Winston and successfully hold the point alone for an extended period of time. I am the architect of my team’s victory
IN THE PLAY OF THE GAME: In the same match, my terrible brother Brian rains justice from above, as usual, killing three people whom I had previously injured as Winston, stealing the glory for himself. While the Play of the Game plays, everyone in chat writes “MVP!!!” and “wow, good job!” and a member of the opposite team types, “BRIAN_DUDE200, you glorious man, please bear my children,” and Brian types back, “lol guys, it was nothing, haha,” which is, actually, true.