Awesome character classes for tabletop RPGs I will never make

Plague Victim


The plague victim does extreme DOT at touch range. The T of the DOT is extremely long, compared to most other spells. The D is very big (always completely fatal).

The plague victim has only four attacks: cough, sneeze, ooze, and vomit. However, the plague victim has a very large number of passive perks, many of which only activate upon death as retributive penalties upon the character’s killer (and anyone who gets near the corpse).

Plague victims acquire no XP and can’t level up. They are generally only good for one-off tabletop sessions or short, depressing Neverwinter Nights modules. They are great for that player who is absent, distracted during the session, or confused about the rules.


Childhood Bully


The childhood bully does damage in the past. If the bully encounters a character with whom they wish to initiate conflict, they make a check to see if, at any point in the past, they ever bullied that character. Upon a success, the bully and the bully’s target then roleplay a flashback scene in which the bully shames and torments the victim.

Upon returning to the present day, the victim now acquires emotional hangups and fears in the form of severe debuffs. These affect the victim whenever they interact with the bully, unless dispelled with a successful (incredibly difficult) will check.

The childhood bully is incapable of doing damage in the present and, if resisted, will always lose. However, none of the players are aware of this, and the GM lies about the bully’s stats and makes the bully look as fierce and deadly as possible.




The God can be aligned either as Wrathful, Benevolent, or Trickster. If Wrathful, God wins if the other PCs lose. If Benevolent, God wins if the other PCs win. If Trickster, God wins if the other players are all alive but very angry by the end of the session.

The GM designates certain NPCs as “religious” and allows God to roleplay them in whatever scenes they appear. God can make these NPCs say or do whatever. If the other players believe that God is behaving unreasonably or unrealistically, driving their NPCs to increasingly erratic or bizarre behavior, they can complain to the GM, who will unfortunately be unable to stop God.

God has no specific skills or abilities, gains no XP, and can’t level up. However, if God consistently achieves God’s goals, the GM will reward God by providing larger numbers of more-powerful followers to command in subsequent game sessions.

Some current comic book series which are not “about” “muscles”

… and which I am also actively reading:

(Click names for relevant and vaguely-relevant news articles and background information)

Hellboy in Hell


BPRD: Hell on Earth


Abe Sapien




Manhattan Projects








The Private Eye (Online purchase only)


The Walking Dead


“Hey, Laura! How can I tell if my comic book is about muscles?”

  1. Does the comic include a close-up of someone’s muscles?
  2. Are the biggest conflicts in the story purely physical ones?
  3. Would the average reader be aware of any character development (without outside/long-term canonical knowledge of the characters)?
  4. Are the characters wearing nonsensical outfits suitable primarily for showing off their muscles?
  5. Does the story use action or gratuitous pictures of muscles to cover plot holes?
  6. When you finish reading the comic and put it down on the table, are you thinking about the characters, or about the characters’ muscles?

The games I’ve played for the most hours, cumulative, in my entire life, arranged in descending order

  1. Minecraft (approx. 600 hrs)

  2. Age of Empires (probably approx. 500 hours)

  3. Age of Empires II: Age of Kings (ditto)

  4. Age of Mythology (ditto again)

  5. Caesar 3 (ditto, yes, shut up)

  6. World of Warcraft (I don’t want to think about this)
  7. WoWScrnShot_071112_145205[1]
  8. Guild Wars 2 (I don’t want to think about this either) 


  9. Sim Ant (well over 300 hours of my life)

  10. Oregon Trail 2 (sometimes I still dream about this game)

  11. Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy (who the hell knows? 300 hours? More?)

  12. Mount and Blade (>170 hours total)

  13. Nethack (??????)

  14. Star Wars: Republic Commando (ugh ugh too much time)

  15. Mass Effect 1 (certainly more than 100 hours of my short, precious life)

  16. Civilization 4 (same)

  17. The Binding of Isaac (105 hours precisely)


Things that occur to me after assembling this list:

  1. I used to play games for literally years at a time, as a kid
  2. I no longer have time to play games for long periods of time
  3. Although my favorite games today have strong stories, I didn’t play games with stories as a kid
  4. When I play games with strong stories, I generally do not spend hundreds of hours playing them
  5. Although RTSes do not even register on my list of favorite games genres these days, I have played probably thousands of hours of RTS games total in my life
  6. The number of hours you spend playing a game has nothing to do with how valuable that experience is to you creatively or entertainment-wise